I have…

… bribed Federales at the Corona Beach Club in Rosarita, Mexico.

…slept in the Amsterdam Train Staion.

…snuck down to the floor at a Pearl Jam concert.

…had sex with a hooker.

…won a Tae Kwon Do match.

…scored 10 points in a YMCA basketball game.

…took a piss in front of a police officer.

…threw drugs out of the window on  an Italian train.

…visited a gay bar.

…split my head open at a Montgomery Wards.

…been babysat by Mark Hammil.

…hung out with Lou Diamond Phillips.

…been praised by Peter Weller.

…won a trivia contest at a Texas Rangers game.

…had sex on a barber chair.

…was Fred Flintstone at a bar during Halloween.

…been stung by a bee.

…have had two strokes.

…used stilts.

…played minature golf.

…seen Michael Vick play football.

…driven a Maserati.

…seen Star Wars in 1977.

…been suspended from school.

…used Skoal Bandits.

…used liquid LSD.

…rode The Revolution at Magic Mountain.

…smoked opium.

…eaten escargo.

…scored a 142 on an IQ test.

…had sex with two women.

…started my own business.

…been kicked out of a Metallica concert for arson.

…had diabetes.

…had gangrene.

…won 1st place in Greek derivatives at a Texas high school tournament.

…panned for gold.

…been arrested for marijuana in South Padre Island.

…been to the Anne Frank Museum.

…watched an oil well being setup for drilling.

…fell off a pony onto a cactus.

…visited Montezuma’s Castle.

…completed E.T. the Atari 2600 game.

riden the Tea Cups.

…mined for crystals.

…smoked cigarettes.

…been to a Dallas Maverick playoff game.

…told a lie.

…told a policeman my dogs had been sprayed by a skunk when I was smoking pot.

…had anal sex.

…been biten by my Sister.

…have had a girl sit on my shoulders at a Warrant concert.

…have seen a donkey drink a beer.

…had diarreah in a Mexican hotel while watching the Batman TV show in German.

…set a church on fire.

…had gonorrhea.

…interviewed Doug Stanhope.

…smoked a cigar at a bull fight.

…watched Jai Alai.

…been front row for Joe Walsh.

…seen Dave Chappelle.

…put down someone elses dog.

…rode in a limosine.

…watched Pretty Woman being filmed.

…cast in Idiocracy.

…filmed a documentary on podcasting.

…streamed the last Gourds concert.

…received stock options.

…delivered pizza.

…eaten pussy.

…pulled over by police.

…made telemarketing calls.

…built a networking infrastructure.

…hit a golf ball.

…been to a strip club.

…bailed someone out of jail.

…cooked veggie lasagne.

…called the cops on a drunk.

…received oral sex.

…built a Lego spaceship.

…changed brakes on a car.

…installed a motor mount.

…gave a speech about audio podcasting.

…streamed Helldivers on Twitch.

…driven a cab.

…gotten drunk in a bar.

…thrown up under a table at a Mexican restaurant.

…eaten frog legs.

…riden a ten speed.

…bought a house.

…had sex in a hot tub.

…managed a Pizza Inn.

…taken nude photos.

…taken video of a Vince Neil interview.

…bought wigs.

…drank Aquavit.

…taken mushrooms while watching Widespread Panic.

…lost money doing a drug deal in New Orleans.

…riden in a car with a man who said he was a member of Metallica.

…watched my father scream “those cups have AIDS in em” at a Texas Rangers game.

…watched Wayne Gretzky play hockey.

…hung out with strippers.

…accidentally stolen gas.

…worked at Burger King

…worked at K-mart.

…managed a ticket line for Paul McCartney tickets for Texas Tickets.

…had breakfast at a delicatessen.

…managed a baseball card shop at Balch Springs Bazaar flea market.

…joined Twitter in January 2008.

…met Willie Nelson in an elevator at Love Field airport in Dallas, Texas.

…been the first to level 50 in Helldivers.

…been Benjamin Franklin in a school play.

…owned a dog named G-Dawg.

…had a car fly over me on Interstate 75.

…sold video games door to door.

…had a childhood friend die of a heroin overdose.

…watched the Von Erichs wrestle the Freebirds.

…tripped LSD while managing a Pizza Inn.

…smoked marijuana in an Amsterdam coffeehouse.

…played Dragon’s Lair.

…had a custom van named Love Machine.

…been in a Danish castle.

…been in a Danish discoteque.

…got drunk and played poker with the pizza guy from the mall.

…sold allthat.com for $10K.

…built a computer from scratch.

…built a napkin holder out of wood.

…seen Herbie Hancock in concert.

…drank a Black Pig.

…had wine on the streets of Paris.

…drove a Rover 3500.

…drove a Renault LeCar.

…drove a Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme Brougham.

…drove a car 120 miles per hour.

…eaten a funnel cake.

…watched a man named Bob piss onto a one story house.

…fucked a black girl.

…fucked a redhead.

…fucked a brunette.

…fucked an asian.

…fucked a blonde.

…fucked a Canadian.

…been stuck on a roller coaster.

…been stuck in an elevator.

…done a drunk podcast.

…run video for a Bill Paxton interview.

…gotten Gary Carter’s autograph in an elevator.

…made money at school renting books.

…sold candy at school.

….eaten shrimp with eyes.

…had to guard a friend who was stabbed by a street gang when he went to the hospital.

…talked cops out of arresting friends.

…done whip its.

…done bong hits.

…had the air conditioner go out when it was 124 in Yuma Arizona.

…sung Fat Bottom Girls during Karaoke.

…been to a Dallas Tornadoes soccer game.

…been to a Dallas Desire lingerie football game.

…seen Bob Dylan in concert.

…seen Public Enemy in concert.

…shot a blowgun.

…watched a porno.

…dove off a high dive.

…skateboarded.

…broken a board with a punch.

…talked someone out of suicide.

…been told a friend was ninja.

…body surfed in Laguna Beach.

…eaten at the Burger that ate LA.

…been to Disneyland.

…flown in a jet.

…rode a gondala up Whistler.

…took the stairs up the Eiffel Tower.

…hiked at the Grand Canyon.

…won $700 on a slot machine at the Flamingo in Las Vegas.

…been to the Pinball Hall of Fame in Las Vegas.

…been to New York.

…been to Queensrhyche in concert.

…been to a freak show at the Texas State Fair.

…seen a two midgets in a bar that didn’t know each other.

…seen a blonde Iranian.

…driven a Mitsubishi 3000GT.

…swam in the Baltic Sea.

…been in a spelling bee.

…taken the SAT on LSD.

…owned a Mongoose bike.

…shaved a pussy.

…eaten pussy.

…had a one night stand.

…thrown a milk chocolate hand grenade at the vice principal of Liberty Junior High.

…never been fired.

…seen Phish in concert.

…seen Eric Clapton in concert.